Saturday, November 17, 2012


Dear Temple
I hope this note finds you well and happy. This note finds me very much embarrassed. Let me tell you a little story. When you get to your thirties you will remember things from your past that you will want to re-live. You will spend a bit of your time, not too much, but a bit of you time savoring a little nostalgia. Your Aunt Crystal was in Minnesota for a conference not too long ago, and she spent some time with my sister and brother-in-law who live there. One of the fun things they did was spend an evening at a dueling piano bar.
These places are neat and I will be sure to take you to one in about a decade when you're old enough. At a dueling piano bar you usually have a couple guys playing pianos. That's it. Sounds great doesn't it? No? Well, I'm not finished. These pianists will play whatever song you want them too. Give them a couple bucks and they'll play anything. You could have them playing Billy Ray Cyrus all night long as long as you keep those Washington’s flowing. You think they will get tired of it? No way. If you're paying Washington’s for Cyrus, others will start paying Lincolns to get them to stop.
Anyway, So while I toiled and slaved taking care of the kids I got a call from your Aunt Crystal asking me what song she should request. It didn't take me long to think of a good one.
Quiet Riot's "Metal Health" - people think this song is named "Bang your head" but it's not. Before I continue I would like to point out, if your Grandpa hasn't already begun speaking, that the band Quiet Riot is nothing but horrible, tasteless drivel. The lyrics are disreputable and obscene. They are completely anti-Christian. It is for these aforementioned reasons and more which I thought made this a great choice.
Just kidding.
The reason I thought that song by Quiet Riot was a great one was because I thought it would sound absolutely hilarious on the piano and the lyrics are priceless. Here are the song's first lyrics.

Well I'm an
Axe grinder, pile driver
Mother says that
I never, never mind her
Got no brains I'm insane
The teacher says that
I'm one big pain

Pretty funny stuff. These dudes were serious when they sang too. Now, here's the problem with nostalgia. Sometimes it turns around and bites you in the posterior.
When I said that this song would be a good one to play, I had the song on my mind and I wanted to listen to it myself. So I picked up a copy at our local library. I cranked up the volume and roared down the road being and axe grinder, pile driver guy who doesn't mind his mom and has no brains. It was great.
Then we traded in my HHR and bought a minivan. When I traded the Chevy I forgot to take the CD out of the player. I was horrified. I remembered the mistake that evening at dinner. I held my head in my hands.
"I forgot a CD in the HHR," I told your aunt Crystal.
"Just call them," she said. "I'm sure they still have it."
"You don't understand," I said. "I forgot a CD that I got from the library - just to listen to one song -all by myself and nobody would ever know about it - ever."
"What CD is it?"
"Quiet Riot," I said. She began to laugh.
"This is no laughing matter," I said. "I have to call the car place and ask for it." She kept laughing. Sometimes she isn't very helpful. Now, I know I could give fifteen bucks to the library for the CD, claiming it lost, and save myself the embarrassment. Apparently my dignity isn't worth fifteen bucks. I called. I told the receptionist what I was missing.
"Really?" she said. "Quiet Riot?"
"Yes," I said.
I went to pick up the CD the next day and nobody remembered me calling and nobody could find the CD. I stopped by the place during the day. I was the only one there. It was a domino effect of embarrassment. Seven sales associates, two finance people, six mechanics and two receptionists were looking for my CD. Nobody could find it so a couple salesmen went next door to the detailing place they use and all of them began looking around for the CD.
"You the big Quiet Riot fan?" A smirking detailer asked me.
"Oh, yes," I said. "I accept no substitute for my daily dose of rock."
Here's what I think happened - I think somebody stole my CD. Some dude at this place found the CD and took it because he liked it. He would fess up to taking it, but then would suffer the same embarrassment I'm going through.
Somebody at Lou Fusz loves Quiet Riot.
I think what I've learned about this whole thing is that we are all a bunch of closet Quiet Riot fans and if their music wasn’t so darn embarrassing - they would be lauded as the greatest band of all time.
Maybe not.
Maybe I learned that my dignity is worth fifteen bucks.
I love you much and miss you always,
Uncle Justin

No comments:

Post a Comment